I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
