every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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