She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
