I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
