Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
