do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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