Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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