Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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