Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
