It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
