she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Randomize
