he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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