Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
