Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
