The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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