you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
