Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
