I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
