i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
