I just pynch a tree in the face
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
