You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
