soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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