A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
