What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
