I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
