I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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