my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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