That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
