I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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