i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
