I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
