Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
