Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
