I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
