apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
my sisters under your porch take her home
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
