and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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