Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
