I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
