there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize