I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
