i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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