I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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