a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I could fuck to npr.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
