You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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