her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
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