she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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