i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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