so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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