just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
