He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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