I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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