Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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