I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
