Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
