I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
