don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
