I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
