i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
it glows. i had to have it.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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