remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
