i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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