He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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