Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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