My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
my god I love twenty year old dicks
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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