2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
