woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
