My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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