Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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