I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
